I’ve made the decision to reset myself, I need to start over from scratch. I have no intentions of doing what feels best for everyone and I can’t stand living like this or live with who I am right now. I keep being tossed between instances of happiness and ever longer lasting anxiety, but most of the time… I am just numb. I can’t even see where I am in life, I can’t see where I am supposed to go and I can’t see why.
For a month or two ago now, I have been struggling to take things into my own hands and do something about it, without success. I don’t know how to do it, I don’t know how to take the step to complete the assignment I was given. I don’t know how I will be able to do it as I don’t even know where to start, or how to start. Every night I feel like I know I should be doing something about it, and every night it is getting worse. I can’t stand this anymore. I need a reset. I have decided to draw myself back now, back to where I come from, back down under ground and cry for help until I can’t move anymore. Memories brought back to the surface, mixed with current problems and the well known demons that never really seems to leave me. Please just leave me alone, I want to have a normal life and build something out of the crumbles I’ve got left in my hands. But with all of these things constantly presence, I am unable to… I am ready to give up fighting and ready to accept that they will always be there.
I have learned a few things;
- I don’t longer need to try to finish of the assignment of seeking a more permanent contact, I have to do it.
- The few close friends I still have left are there for me at any given time.
- I have a family that really cares for me and respects me in what I feel is right for me and my future
- I have (supported – I might add) ambitions of getting far away from here to gain experience, focus on myself, my studies and social life.
- I have a dream location of where I would love to live from anywhere from a month or two up to a year or maybe more, and I won’t give up until I get there. I have felt like this for years, and gaining support from my family in that really makes that my goal for now and I won’t give up until I get there.