So here I am again, tired, exhausted and just glares at the wall as the clock is about to hit 4 am.
I try to close my eyes and I become more aware of the surroundings.
The constant ticking from the clock in the kitchen, the people walking by outside and my own pulse pounding within my body. Trough the very body that has been through operations, surgeries, anxiety and joy, pumping and pounding in my wrists, chest and temples. The vision starts to flicker under the closed eyelids, flickering and I see images, images framed in dark smoke of the people I care about, their smiles and the slight sensations of thier touches. The smiles fades, the the laugh wanishes and the touches stops.
Rain, tears and sweat.
Heat, cold and numb.
As the pictures of the joyful individuals fades the demons kicks in. Visions starts to flash before my eyes and I cannot open my eyes, wanting, but uncapable, uncapable of doing what I probably should do. The body curls up as the light weight of the fabric in the bed clothes are getting heavier. Images of worst case scenarios flashing before my eyes, faster than before, faster than last time and as quick as it started, it left me alone. Left me alone curled up, just with a very dark and faded image of my tablet leaned against the wall, the very angle and the very sight I saw before I closed my eyes, the very angle that reminds me of where I am…
Joy, sorrow and blank.
Calm, panic and alone.
Shadows flicker in my vision again, triggering my arachnophobia. Unable to open my eyes, unable to take stance and forced to witness as they dance before my eyes, creatures, family and friends. Visions from the past and from the future. The image fades, everything fades, it’s dark, quiet and cold and as I slowly open my eyes the tears fall out, it’s late. Pounding temples, hurting eyes and a fading vision, curled up once more under the duvet.
Pleading, whimpering and longing for some sleep.
All I want is to be safe,
all I want is to be able to sleep,
all I want is to have nights without any worries and agony.
But I am afraid I’ll miss it if it’s gone, keeps me on edge, keeps me going, keeps me the way I am…