About a week ago I felt like I was functioning very well and felt like hopefully I could be able to start to put an end to all this and start to live a normal life for real without having to worry about the anxiety and thinking about making that call/contact… but I guess I was too naive. About a week after that day when everything just took a turn for the better right out of the blue, I am now having troubles to sleep, the head is just an empty mess and I have to keep myself occupied with something.
Today when we had a surprise visit of some relatives I cannot say I remember I’ve met before, we had a good time. Nice stories and very interesting thoughts were shared, but at several occasions I just zoned out and found myself in a trance like state where I could not really listen but was semi aware of everything that happened. As an attempt to prevent that from happening, I occupied myself with taking small sips from my glass quite regularly and playing with my rings while listening to them, because I wanted to listen to them. After a rather long time my colleague at work, who works during the weeks, messaged me and we had a conversation about any news or things I should know about before I start my weekend shift. This obviously kept me occupied for a bit and I really felt it was a good thing that it happened. Eventually we walked outside so then I could follow them around, move and get some fresh air, yeah you know the drill…
And here I am now, several hours later, trying to sleep before I go on my weekend shift, but it just doesn’t work. Been restless for the past two days and now I can’t sleep. When I close my eyes pictures just flashes before my eyes, some from the past, some are worst case scenarios of the future and some are just causing my arachnophobia to kick in. Honestly, my head is exhausted, but not tired as in I would like to sleep and I am starting to feel the unpleasant stress and anxiety slightly occur once again. I mean what does this even mean? Why doesn’t the anxiety get tired of hunting me down? Should I ask my friends for advice? Or should I contact someone at the start of the semester? So many questions I have on how to make this go away, I need my sleep because I would just like to sleep and wake up well rested and go to work and not just lie for hours on end sweating in the bed in a cool bedroom trying to sleep while trying to clear my head… So 3 am, we meet again I see… sigh
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