I don’t know what happened, how it happened or how it came to be… but shortly after I published my last post on here I found something out. Something that doesn’t really means something to me but it seems to me that at some level deep down it did, and it had a rather unexpected effect on me; First I felt empty and a bit mad, but only minutes after I felt an inner peace and that one has been presence since then. Some of you might say; “Ey, it’s about her again isn’t it?“, Well yes, but that was only because I opened up this app by mistake and saw an update that made me think two things;
First: Why am I even on here looking at this?
Second: Why on earth haven’t I removed it yet, considering that I’m never on?
So I just closed it down and sat and watched a movie. Yes; it felt a bit bitter sweet, as previously stated, but all I could possibly think of is how good it felt. And now three days later I feel as confident as ever.
I may not know that much about this but I know a few things for sure;
I do get flashbacks, rarely about that specifically and most commonly about other things. I do feel different after how people have been acting towards me recently, but isn’t that normal considering that how I for some reason have been more accepted recently in the less than a few months? I mean, the difference between to have the feeling of that you walk along with people and not necessarily with them to actually be invited and active, to be recognised and to hear overwhelming stuff about yourself is a rather captivating feeling that’s hard to describe. Thank you all so much, those of you who know that I talk to. I don’t want to say any names due to privacy reasons and to spare you all from a long posts mainly containing names and motivations. A bit more than a month ago I actually got mail bombed and contacted in person by people I’ve been in touch with, and since then I’ve heard great stories, and as stated in previous posts, new close friends have been made and old ones have been improved.
I also did earlier today receive an anonymous message asking me a few things while I was outside doing my chores, a message including requests and rather insightful thoughts and I’ll answer that now.
- I don’t know if I will write about the possible treatment that much in detail but you will most certainly be notified and receive some details of the process if you’re interested, the reason for that is that I am still considering it and not too sure yet. And the reason why I don’t really want to take some medication it is because, as ironic as it might sound, in a way it doesn’t feel right for me. Don’t take me wrong, I have been considering it for a long time and I have been told by friends with experience of them that it helps. But no, not as a standard way to go. However, as I said to the friend with whom this topic occurred the last time (the person who made me think like I’m about to say); if it gets more frequent or more intense once they happen, then I’ll do it to help myself to get on track to deal with it again, to pull myself together and later on talk with the contact I’ve got or will get in touch with soon. Call it a safety net if you’d like.
- And about your thoughts about relationships; Yes, I have been like that and if you stated the very same thing a few months ago my answer would be different and people I know have been telling the exact same thing so I see where you’re coming from. But over the past year I’ve learned that I’m not as disliked as I first thought, especially during the explosion during the past few months have been rather captivating for me. Now I feel completely different as a person, people just have to take it or leave it when it comes to me. I am who I am and they can’t change that. People like me? Great, I hope we can hang out. People dislike me? Fine, your call then. Just don’t rub it in my face and waste my time trying to make things bad for me, I know how to deal with it, trust me.
Long story short; I do now have the motivation and inspiration to be creative, get right back to work and later on, studies – and actually get out, talk to people and be more active online – as you might have already noticed on here. Last night, I actually skipped/danced around on the road because I felt so good that it scares me. You are right, I am young and from now on I am not going to let that stop me, maybe I have tendencies of pistanthrophobia, who knows? Anyway, I hope this made sense to you and thank you for your insightful feedback.
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