Oh my, it has happened again. An anxiety attack, but this one felt different for some reason, just like if it were more intense for some reason. I am, as opposed to the earlier attacks, writing his on the afternoon the day after because I had no energy left at all at the time. But I’ll come back to that in a bit.
Yesterday – June 30th,11pm
My friend and I sat down to watch a movie; Moulin Rouge, which is a really good movie – at least considering how far we got before… things started to happen. It was just about halfway through the movie (roughly around midnight) when the tears started to reveal themselves in my eyes and slowly my mind turned numb, a classic sad movie scene effect I thought, but then everything happened so quickly. Pictures started to flash before my eyes, my body locked itself down and it ended up in me being aware of what happened, and yet I couldn’t move, see or hear. But strangely enough, I do have faint have memories of what happened around me. She checked if I was awake, laid a blanket over me and went to bed, shortly after that – it happened. The walls started to close in on me, I felt like I was burning and freezing at the same time, I couldn’t breathe and I just had the urge to run away from everything – like I was drowning in an invisible force of negative energy, shadows, drawn into a pit of nothing but emptiness and darkness. So I managed to stumble my way out of the room and made my way outside and ran down the street with no jacket on.
The cool temperatures outside made it easier to deal with and eventually I just came to feel the emptiness that normally occurs after the attacks so I went back in to an obviously worried friend. I said that I just had an anxiety attack and laid down on the couch where I am sleeping during my stay, but seconds later I just burst out in tears and everything just left me. Before I knew it I felt the embrace of her, a feeling I’ve only felt once before; when I had an anxiety attack in one of the beds at my ex’s place back when we were together, I felt safe… Back to last night, I instantly felt so safe and I could just fall asleep in her arms, clinched to her wrist, felt the breath against my skin and one hand massaging my neck… At that moment I realised that I feel safe for real and that people really do care. I know people always say they do and I trust them, but to actually experience it hands on (literally and not necessarily voluntarily) is a captivating and an overwhelming feeling.
As the time passed by and my supply of tears started to dry out, I managed to force my broken body up so a half lying half sitting position and looked at her and her eyes for the first time. We then spoke about how it feels when it occurs, whether I should go and try to get some medication and talk to someone about it, just to make people aware that it has happened multiple times in the past and it will most likely happen again. We talked about how it feels when it happens and compared our experiences, to realise that the similarities were overwhelming. We had some ice cream and just talked sitting semi curled up under a duvet on the couch. This was the second anxiety attack I’ve in June and a perfect way to start off the month of July (please note irony).
No matter how much the people I love say they care, I can never fully get over that I feel like I am bothering them with my instability problems, and having an attack when someone is around – it’s impossible to not bother them. For the first time in a very long time I felt the feeling of being safe for real, like this is a place I can hide in and feel safe around. But I cannot allow myself to think or feel like that, it has backfired on me so many times in the past and now I barely have anyone to run to when this occurs. Because based on experiences from a number of occasions it has backfired on me, leaving me even more insecure and unwilling to open myself up to someone, resulting in me reverting once more even deeper and reinforce my walls even thicker and higher. And as if that weren’t enough, I wouldn’t even be bothered to run or resist the shades and demons dwelling deeply within my mind. Slowly turning insane and just shiver in bed all night long and wander the next few days numb. Minor triggering events causes the gates to burst open for everything from one to three-four hours, and in this case, the flashbacks triggered it in combination with already existing tears from the movie and the safe surroundings, factors that’s harmless on their own but this time, you know the story.
My friend, now I’ll talk directly to you;
I have a theory, we have been friends for at least three years, we have a lot of interests, values, and tons of things more in common. You are a wonderful individual and when I had this attack last night, I felt like I’ve only felt like once before… truly safe, which kind of scares be but at the same time it doesn’t. You’re one of my closest friends and I don’t want to lose you. Cheers to our shared years and to (hopefully) all the years to come!
I have several posts stacked in draft mode and I’ll try to get that fixed when I have time.
Until then, thanks for pulling up with this and stay tuned for more!