Fuck this…

It’s the 8th of june and I am writing this at 2am…

People tell me that I should be who I am, that they respect me for who I am.
But would you even be here if you even knew what was going through my head.

I just got in from a car ride, I had to get back to town and tomorrow morning after I’ve finished what I have to do I am going to get wasted, that’s right. I can’t stand this anymore, I have no one I feel like I can talk to without tresspassing on thier personal life, I am a wreck as a person and I don’t have a fuckin’ clue what to do about it. I have already considered to take a turn off the road with the car and just get exported to the hospital, I have already been considering bringing out the blades to ease things until something happens. But I don’t know, Right now, I am unable to sit still, I am not able to concentrate, I am not able to do anything right. I am not a good person who people can rely on. I have one of my best friends I’ve ever had who can see what’s going in in my eyes but just looking in them, therefore I fell so exposed, weak and yet so safe when the eyes of my friend litterally drills through my entire being. No one have ever had that effect on me with just using the eyes. Therefore I would like to thank you again, thank you for everything we’ve been through and I am sorry things didn’t turn out as we both wanted in the past.

Today it’s the 8th of june and marks a very important and devastating milestone in my life.
Where my life shattered into pieces, where all my hopes died and I was tempted to for the first time drive off the road to end the pain, but I was sleeping with my friends at the time and I could call my parents to come and get me. Since then, I have been a much more instabile person, but I’ve learned to deal with it and become more and more independent. I don’t give a damn if people think I am odd or act strange, I can rely on myself and and my true friends will stay as life goes along, and I am litterally crying my eyes out as I’m writing this.

But the question remains: How can I make this stop, how can I shut my emotions down and how can I ever be happy again without ruining the life of someone else. I am a hopeless case. I don’t fucking know what to do anymore.
I am going downtown tomorrow, then I’m going to drive home and get wasted and get myself numb to ease it a bit. All I want is for this torture to end, I can hide it and trick people with my tone in my voice, but my eyes will always tell the truth, my eyes are my weakness and strength at the same time. I read people but I expose myself so much when I do so.

A few shoutouts.
Hanna – Thank you so much for everything we’ve been through. I don’t even know where to start so I guess II’ll just say this: I would never be able to forget you even if I wanted to and I don’t want to forget you. I’ve told you so many times that I’m glad we became friends so long ago, when we met up (again) at the bushes behind that house all those years ago, and you know what. About your shoutout, I’ll just say “to be continued…”
Emilijah – Thank you for all the crazy moments we’ve shared, and I’m looking forward to meet you again. You are an amazing individual who I am proud to call my friend. Who knew that dirty jokes in a photography class could lead to this? I feel like I can talk to you about anything and I really hope that you know you can contact me at any time to do the same
Goboy – Thank you for accepting me that year about a year ago, you’ve grown to be one of my closer friends.
Zandroth – Oh dear brother, Thank you for being there for me this year, I hope we can keep contact as we have done and improved it recently. Also, thank you for influencing my fashion and music taste all those years ago. It made me to who I am today.
Student’s of BIT – You’ve surprised me, thank you for shown support and I’m looking forward with two more years with all of you at least.

  • Added note June 17th
    I did not get wasted and I stayed on the road. Reasons why will be roughly explained in the next post.
    Also, the milestone did not cause it. It doesn’t bother me too much but it sure is bittersweet, but my head was so fulfilled with emotions and canned up emotions so it triggered a major outburst of emotions. And with that being the triggering factor or the very last drop to make everything burst, everything came to be centered about this.
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