Just… No

I just don’t have a frikkin’ clue where to start this. If anyone would’ve asked me how I felt like when it comes to my studies a month ago, I would say fine. If someone would’ve asked me how I liked living where I am, I would’ve said that I liked it. If you would’ve asked me what I would like to do with my life, I would’ve said, get a great career and find the love of my life. All of those answers are not the same anymore, yet I am closer to fulfil them in a different way than I first thought. My studies, a good way to keep myself occupied and get my monthly income and a step closer to what I want to be in life, which I still don’t know yet what that will be. I would love to just go away and stay away and just meet new people and cut off connection from home. Move abroad and start a new life, make my living from scratch and just struggle my way forward through life. And all I want to do is to be with someone and doing what I love for living, and I couldn’t give a flying fuck where I end up. I’ve been told; “Hopefully you find someone closer”, “don’t let her play with you”, “When you find someone” and “that creep”. I am stressed out and I don’t even know where to start, I don’t know where to go, I don’t know what to say and I really don’t want to turn back to my family, cause then Hell will break lose. My escape now are the nights where I just can be and I lie awake during the nights. When we go out with the international students I feel a bit more like the one I am inside. I am living two lives right now, and I can only express myself through one of them, but the ones who I try to hide it from knows where to find it. I just have to make sure I can find someone who I can talk to, despite misunderstandings and being accepted for who I am. All I want, is to move away from this life I am in right now, the anxiety is taking over again, and that’s in a rapid phase… And to you who know me personally, feel free to talk to me about it ’cause I REALLY NEED to ventilate myself, and don’t you dare mention anything to my parents, Hell will break lose and I don’t want that. Not only for me, but for them as well. And to you whom I’ve been talking to for a bit longer than a month. I loved every conversation we had and I would love to start talking again, with your permission that is. I’m still here for you, as I’ve always been.

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