Confessions related to April 18th

Something that you guys necessarily don’t know is that I’ve been in a so called long distance relationship since February 25th 2013, and we first got in touch with each back in 2012 on April 18th. This is more or less a well kept secret that I’ve only exposed to a few friends who know who they are, and to some that I’m going to reveal it to by sending them this link. Some of you may think that it’s strange why I’m still classified as single on the social media phenomenon Facebook and that I prefer to avoid that question when asked. That is entirely because I don’t want to deal with the shit of how long distance relationships barely work out in the long run, how I should let it go and all that, not to mention all the shit people would talk about it behind my back. I’ve been treated like shit in the past, I don’t need to go through with that again and drag another innocent person down with it.

I have a long list of reasons why I barely talk to anyone about these things, or other things for that matter, that including my family, I know it would get to you as a punch in the face by reading this but I just want to make you feel good. And… by telling my family would make then feel bad and broken, that would make me feel guilty and hate myself for it. Yes, I’ve had issues in the past with myself on several levels. Bullying, being an outsider, self starving and continuous eating disorders, I constantly want to loose weight and whenever I’m alone for a longer period of time I tend to forget to eat at all. I’ve got dark shades under my clear eyes that hints of troubles and constant insecurity. These are some of the reasons why I don’t let go and just enjoy things all the time, I often get told to dance more, to sing and smile and just enjoy and laugh, I’m trying and I must admit that I am trying and I’ve been a bit better at it. But I’m trying to change for the better, I’m embracing myself by embracing others and making my own path through life. I am not the same person who I was when I graduated and started a new chapter of my life at Liljaskolan. And for that I would like to thank:

My family: Who stood behind me in my decision to go my own way in school, to quit the program I was going and to turn away from it as much as possible. You’ve seen me torn, you’ve heard me cry in desperation and I almost had a fall-back into the depression I had that partly has formed me to the one I am today. We’ve changed in the last few years, and you’ve started to support me in every decision and trying to help me to find the way I want and need to go to make myself feel good.

My classmate: It feels like we’ve gotten closer a lot more during these last six months. And the latest time when I got a minor breakdown you offered me help and I didn’t want to talk about it. I hope that by reading this you’ll get some answers. I want you to know that it feels good to have a classmate who I can actually talk to about things, even if we’re just four in total… Thank you. Now when you’ve got some slight background information, feel free to ask me about things and I’ll try to be honest with you. All I’m asking for is that I can be able to be there for you as well and that what we talk about won’t be spread to everyone because then I can just scream it out for everyone to hear. Just let me know and we can talk.

My friends in parallel programs: I don’t have to say who you are, some of you I met on the edge over a year and a half ago, some of you I’ve met more recently. Some of you have gotten closer to me and I love the way we can just fool around with everything from fashion and music to make-up and stories. The others of you, I hope we can get to know each other better.

H: Thank you for all your support and that you’ve wanted to be friends with me and that we could be there for each other, I know that our contact is not that regular lately but that is because of several reasons. But I sincerely want to thank you, and wish you good luck in life and remind you that I’m here if you need me. Hopefully you still want to have contact with me. Thank you.

Laura: For two years now we’ve known each other, you are not on Facebook so my friends who might be reading this will have a bit of a trouble to find you. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make it to you this Easter to celebrate out two year mark of knowing each other. But hopefully we can meet in the summer, hopefully the rumours becomes reality when you actually get here for a couple of days. Our only 24 hours ever together last summer was way to short and I was bothered by nothing. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, thank you for letting me in your life and thank you for being there for me. We’ll talk more when you get home from England. Take care, I love you…

There is a small amount of people that I’ve told things like this to…
And with this post I’m counting on that a few more of my personal friends will know. To all of you who know that you’ve meant something to me in one way or another, thank you. I am who I am and I’m getting more comfortable with myself, it’s a slow process that has taken years, but it’s slowly getting better. I am still very vulnerable for many kinds of criticism, friendly or not.
Please, if you are in my family who reads this: Please don’t say any of this to the others in the family. If you’re my classmates or friends at school, give me a hint that I can trust you in one way or another. There are so many of you who I would like to thank, from being unstable, to being on the edge into the abyss of depression and harming once again to be the person I am today, much more secure, I’ve had music and people I can trust around me when I make my own path in life. To all of the people who know me, I would like to say thank you.
I know I’m not perfect in any way, but who is anyway?

I know this is a hell of a long post, but I had to rant about it.
If you want to comment or talk to me about it, catch me in the corridors, send me a PM or anything else.
Stay strong everyone!

Yours sincerely
Zaracaz

P.S. I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone of you, if you know me in person: consider this as a token of trust.

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