When you have for months planned and had in mind that you can
meet up with the person you love again, to be reunited and be with each other.
And to see that literally slip out of your hand because you were not fast enough…
to realize that all of the visions and eventual ideas crumble to dust,
to be forced to realize that there’s nothing you can do about it,
to live in the lie to your family that you’re just friends to stop expectations.
Last time and the only time I’ve had to see you was less than 24 hours back in June.
Ever since that moment, to keep longing for something that you can’t get.
This summer, I had to work when the entire other family were closer than they’ve ever been.
So easy to go there and be there in just a couple of hours, spend the nights and then return,
But I had work to do, and my family wanted me to take care of the animals that they otherwise
let the neighbours do, why not that time?
The problem is, I live in an area that’s quite expensive to be a tourist in, it’s always
cheaper to fly out than back home, sometimes it’s even half the price.
The chance to meet up with the family, relatives and to look around in an area I’ve
been interested in and to just be alone for an entire week, that is priceless.
And… it slipped out of my hands, took too long…
Tonight have been fulfilled with tears, beatings and self accusations, and the self esteem
went rock bottom. Cried myself to sleep, got snapped at by family for sleeping at that hour,
had dinner, went back to crying again. It hurts, and no matter how much contact and Skype
calls we have, it can never match the actual physical contact.
I’ve lied to my family that we’re just friends, my brother had this scenario once and I
remember the discussions they had about it, how they disliked it. I don’t want that to happen
to me, I will make that happen when we’re together with my family, to declare our love then.
I can’t describe how shattered I am at the moment.
I don’t know how long it will take for me to get over it without crying and hating myself.
I keep hoping for a miracle to happen, to someone to aid me to afford it.
All we’ve wanted for the past seven months is to be back with each other,
Please, just make it happen, please…