Confessions

It’s been a while since I wrote anything on this blog, too long actually.
I have been in good company, been abroad and finally had the chance to meet the one I love. Ever since that day, I have been worn down, day by day, living by the memory of utter completeness that I so rarely feel, I cannot remember another moment at this point.
I have thrown myself into a relationship with my girlfriend for the first time in my life. I have opened myself to people to let what’s torturing deep within out more often. I have met new friends, friends who can understand me, friends who I can rely to and not have to hide anything from, people I can trust, so rare for me these days.

My last year at my school has started and I am now announcing that I am a
student at the Nature science program at Liljaskolan in Vännäs, Sweden.
We are going to Iceland this year and I am in the Musical class, it’s so nice, can’t wait. But still, I am back to where I have been for the last two years, to people I’ve learned to love, to people I love and to people I don’t feel that much about.
I am also at this lovely place surrounded by people who doesn’t suspect a thing,
but I still live my life fighting with the darkness within me, and it has been consuming me more and more lately.
From the very moment I sit down on the bus from school, I become tired and I am half asleep all the way home, I don’t remember when I get on the bus, I just am. Working by movements I’ve been doing daily for the past couple of years.
Some people have noticed something’s wrong, my teacher Ewa, thank you for last year. And to you Linda: you have seen a fragment of what I’m dealing with inside in the mail and in the conversation we had in the hallway in the end of my second year. I lied to you, not completely, but partly… I have not been harassed in that way, but I am struggling with the consuming emptiness inside of me that sometimes gets too much. Some people might think that I am doing is an act of childish behaviour, but this is a part of me. Something I can’t change and something I won’t go and see someone for as long as I live
where I live, home, with my family.

Since last time I wrote here, I have been crying myself inside out at night,
I have been punching myself, hitting myself, with hands and objects alike.
I have started to hurt my myself again, to feel my hands around my neck and
slowly feel my air supply drain until it gets fuzzy to then release, it’s so good at times.
I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night just to throw up.
I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night to cry myself out.
People don’t see me like it or they see me as immature for doing so.
But there are the selected few who actually can understand me and
actually do understand.

To you I say thank you, to you I say that you mean more to me than you might think my girls, my childhood friend, my love and my recent friends. I would like to give you my blessing for being there when I need to, I don’t know how to thank you. Thank you, so damn much, you have no idea what that means to me…

I am in the end of a chapter of my life, surrounded with pain, laughs, tears and joy. I am actually enjoying school, but that doesn’t make it go away, I am consumed during classes, can’t focus when I have to and I am living with a mask hiding from everyone except for a few. Look into my eyes, I may be jolly and fun but please note the wrinkles spreading across the right side of my face
please note that my skin is getting paler
please note the dark rings around my eyes,
please note that I am losing weight because don’t have the apatite to eat.

For the entire time I’ve been writing this I have been sweating even that I am freezing cold. I have been shivering and crying, I have been fighting the urges to hurt myself. The only thing that slipped through was my nails rasping over my arm a couple of times before I managed to stop myself.

The time of my great depression may have passed long ago, but it never left me completely. It’s returning to me, it keeps me in place, more and more cravings, more and more breakdowns, more and more brings me back and drags feuds with people I know along with it even that I don’t do anything. A few people are ready to help me and that accepts me for who I am,
Thank you, for respecting me for who I am…
I love you for that, thank you…
For the others that tells me that they care but don’t to 100% or call me names because of this, scram and read this again and think of my story, read my posts,
you apparently don’t know me in that case or lack the knowledge about this
and don’t want to help someone.

I must say that I love crying, love to feel the pain against the skin…
It makes me feel alive, it clears my head and gives me the energy to keep on walking my path of life that I will walk for so many more years. Crying helps me, I don’t mind crying in front of people, it just shows me that I stand for my actions and I am proud of it, because I can.
It helps me, I feel clean, better, and to make my late night walks or just to walk in the cool fall air, it just feels so good in my lungs, on my skin, in my nose.
It makes me feel alive again, it reminds me where I live and where I belong, in the North.

And to you who lost your life at Vännäsby, may you have my blessing on the other side. A 17 year old girl, born 1996, found dead. My blessings goes to you, your family and friends, to everyone that’s destroyed by your loss.
I bless you on your ride in the afterlife.

For those of you who I have mentioned or that I think of when I write this,
if you’ve got this sent to you from me personally, please consider this
as a token of my respect and gratitude towards you because you’ve had a role in this text.

As a last thing before I call this a quit I want to say that I will be more active on this 
blog from this moment forth, I have the intention to write here more daily.
e-mail: zaracaz@hotmail.com
skype: zaracaz

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